"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
