I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
