I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
