also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
