I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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