upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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