i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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