I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
