I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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