My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
