I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
