So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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