I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
