I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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