hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
