He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
