he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
