Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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