Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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