I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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