you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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