got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A+ Viking dick
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
