Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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