We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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