everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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