i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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