I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
