I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
