Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
