You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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