I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
