Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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