I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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