If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
