i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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