I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just high enough for therapy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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