im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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