We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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