I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
