just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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