I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
