I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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