Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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