I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize