It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
