Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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