the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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