Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
