Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
