Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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