i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
