You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
