I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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