i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
