a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
