I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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