I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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