come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
