i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
