I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
