omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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